I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
