I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My ass is underappreciated
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
