I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
