I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
