If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
