Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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