I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
