Your mouth is God's brothel.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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