Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
