Screwed.edu
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
