I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
