i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
