you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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