i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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