saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
