The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
