Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
try to milk me bitch
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
