This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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