Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
