I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
