I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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