brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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