The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
