I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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