if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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