Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
