So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
