She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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