my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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