While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
