I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel like a drive thru vagina
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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