I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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