I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
