this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
