My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
