I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
