The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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