1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Screwed.edu
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
