Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
