That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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