Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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