Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
