Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
