Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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