Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
third nipple confirmed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They have beer where we have blood.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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