if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
