My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
