he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
