Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
