Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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