shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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